


I've Told You Now

by weresquad (taehob)



Series: ST: Kirk/Spock [1]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, M/M, Misunderstandings, My First Smut, Oblivious Jim, Oblivious Spock
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-23
Updated: 2015-02-23
Packaged: 2018-03-14 19:46:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3423359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taehob/pseuds/weresquad
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Something's changed between Jim and his First Officer and he can't figure out what.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I've Told You Now

**Author's Note:**

> About the sensitive hands trope, I feel I must explain my position. I realise Spock uses his hands all day and so they can't be sensitive to every touch, but I view it like this:
> 
> 1) Vulcans kiss with their hands. Human kiss with their lips. Humans do tons of things with their mouth all day in a non-sexual manner and it does not stimulate any pleasure. However, once they are using their lips in an intimate or sexual manner, sensitivity is usually increased.  
> 2) Emotional transference from telepathy probably increases the intimacy and therefore sensitivity of their hands. Touching inanimate things with no thoughts will therefore be very different than touching hands to a sentient being.
> 
> Anyway, that's my reasoning behind Vulcans having sensitive hands in the bedroom.

Jim watches as Spock talks quietly with Uhura, worry and jealousy settling in his gut and causing it to roil with nausea. They'd broken up a bit over a month ago and things had gotten pretty strained after it.

For the first week following the split, Uhura was particularly tetchy. Sometimes he saw her glaring at Spock, sometimes at him, sometimes even at inanimate objects. Jim never said anything, understanding how hard break-ups could be. It wasn't like it was affecting her work, so he had no business in saying anything anyway. As expected, things cooled off and she and Spock were back on speaking grounds, which was great. What was _not_ great was that something had changed between Spock and Jim since then. Spock was clearly trying to avoid him while simultaneously trying to seem as if he weren't. Jim thought that maybe Spock just needed some space after the ordeal, so he backed off, stopped looking for him, stopped inviting him to chess games.

And it worked.

Eventually, Spock stopped finding some particularly pressing reason to leave a room whenever his captain entered it. Jim was relieved, but it didn't last long. Now, Spock is _tense_. Well, Vulcans are pretty much always tense, but this is different. He seems almost as uptight as when they had first met, stiffening every time Jim so much as accidentally brushes shoulders with him. He barely even jokes anymore (and as much as Spock denies that Vulcans joke at all, they both know it's a load of crap, at least for Human-Vulcan hybrids).

Jim sighs and stares down at his meal, feeling very much not-hungry anymore. He's gotten used to Spock's behavior over the past few weeks, but it still bothers him. Whenever he even alludes to it, Spock clams up and changes the subject. Jim sighs again and glances up to see his First Officer walking toward him. He schools his face into what he hopes passes as a relaxed smile. "Mr. Spock."

"Captain," Spock replies, seating himself at the table. Jim feels his smile waver as Spock directs his attention to his food and begins eating. Bones looks between them with a scowl and mumbles something about hobgoblins and thick-skulled captains and being needed at sickbay before getting up to leave.

"Love you too, Bones," Jim says dryly, rolling his eyes. He sees Spock's mouth tighten and cringes inwardly. Even Jim's voice bothers him now. He pushes away his tray and tries to think of something to say that isn't completely idiotic. "So..." he settles on, and grimaces at his poor attempt at conversation. _Smooth, Jim._

Spock stares at him and Jim's heart aches with something deep and unnameable. He looks so pretty with his dark lashes and cute, pointed ears. "Yes, Captain?"

Jim shuts his eyes and takes a deep breath before opening them again. "This isn't working, Spock. _We_ aren't working." He sees a flicker of hurt in Spock's eyes, but holds up a finger to stop any protest. It has to be said. "We were friends. We were _good_ friends. I miss that. I want it back. Don't you?"

"Yes," Spock says quietly, addressing the patch of table between them. _Illogical_ , Jim thinks fleetingly, and he almost smiles. "However, I am not sure that is possible."

Jim feels the disappointment and pain like a knife in his stomach. He licks his lips and finds that his mouth is dry. "Okay," he says softly. "Okay. But we can still try, right? Maybe if we just try a little harder--"

"I cannot," Spock cuts him off, "as you might say, _change how I feel_ , regardless of how much it is desired."

Jim nods. He isn't really sure what Spock is referring to, but it clearly isn't pleasant. Something has changed the way he sees Jim and it can't be forgotten. It's not like it's the first time someone has pushed him away after finding out what he's really like. "So, is this- are we- are you done, trying to be friends with me?"

Spock's expression goes completely blank and the knife in Jim's stomach twists. "Is that what you wish, Captain?"

Jim jerks his head in surprise. "What I _wish_? Fuck, no, _Jesus_ , Spock. I _wish_ to be your friend. I just don't want to worry about if I touch you or not. I don’t want to wonder about which topics are now off-limits to talk about. I don’t want to constantly be waiting for the other foot to come down." He pauses, heat beginning to rise to his cheeks as a few people peer curiously over at them. He'd gotten louder the more he talked without realizing it, a wonderful habit that followed him from childhood. "Look, can we talk about this somewhere else? Say, in my quarters, 2100?" He waits for Spock to nod and stands up. "I-  Later, Spock." He turns and walks out of the Mess Hall. He needs the comfort of bourbon and a grumpy, southern accent as soon as possible.

*****

Sitting on his bed and watching the clock, Jim feels an acute sense of dread climbing up his neck. He'd tried talking to Bones about the ordeal, but that only earned him a snort and, _"Just talk to him, Jim. Really talk, not that thing where you guys take turns making vague statements and assuming to know what the other one means. God, I don't have enough alcohol in me for this."_ Mostly they just sat in silence and drank, but Jim couldn't even grant himself permission to get drunk because he'd have to be _coherent_ for this talk. He'd sent Spock a message on his PADD as he was leaving sickbay, saying he'd leave the door to their adjoining bathroom open for whenever Spock showed up. Of course, he shows up exactly on time.

"Captain," he says, standing in the doorway. Jim waves him in, telling him that he isn't Spock's captain right now and this conversation would be a lot easier on him if he wasn't referred to as such. Spock takes a seat at the end of the bed and looks as if he's about to refute such illogic, but nods instead.

"Listen, Spock, I just- I need to know what to do to make this better." Jim's fingers dig into the fabric of his sheets and he wants to look away from Spock's unwavering gaze, but he'll be damned if he lets anyone cause him to act like a puppy with its tail between its legs.

Spock's lips twitch down slightly. "I admit that I do not understand. There is nothing you can do to change our current situation. I doubt your nature would allow it."

"My _nature_? So it's just out of my control? Spock, come on, work with me here. What did I do?"

A crease forms between Spock's eyebrows and it takes all of Jim's willpower not to reach over and smooth it out. "There is no one thing that you have done, Jim. You behave as you ever have." He pauses, looking as conflicted as he can without changing his expression. "And I would not wish for you to change."

Jim has to gape at that, because _what?_ "Why?"

Spock looks confused. "Why would I?"

"Because it's kind of natural," Jim says, throwing his hands into the air.

"It is a Human standard to wish to change the person they love?" Spock asks, his earlier confusion intensifying.

" _Love_?" The world comes crashing down around Jim at the implication. Spock _loves_ him? The memories of the last five weeks flood into his mind with a whole new perspective and Jim wants to punch himself, or Spock, or maybe Bones, damn it, because he fucking _knew_. He can see the exact moment that Spock realizes that Jim _hadn't_ , eyes widening slightly, a hint of green spreading across his cheeks. Luckily for him, the humiliation is short lived before Jim is all but crawling on top of him, kissing him hard and winding a hand into his hair.

Spock kisses back immediately and Jim feels a burst of relief mixed with a conglomerate of other feelings he can’t quite untangle from each other. He realizes they’re coming from Spock just as they’re cut off. _Oh, right. Telepathy._ He forgot about that for a moment, forgot about anything that wasn’t _not close enough, not naked enough_. He pushes the thought from his mind and moves to straddle Spock's lap, groaning in appreciation to know that he isn't the only one who's getting hard. It's ridiculous, really, that such a simple kiss could have him grinding into someone’s lap like a hormone-stricken teenager.

In a swift movement, Spock manages to pin Jim beneath him on the bed, crowding over him and causing his dick to twitch against his thigh. Fuck, they could have been doing this for weeks. "Less clothes," he pants, but Spock just leans down and bites his neck, thumbs rubbing circles against the bare skin where his shirt has ridden up. Jim bucks when he feels a hand move from his abdomen to his groin.

Spock presses firmly on his hip to hold him in place and he squirms. An eyebrow is raised at him in amusement. "The more you writhe, the longer it will take."

Jim holds still and Spock slowly starts to remove his pants, making sure to keep direct eye contact. Jim squirms again and Spock stops moving, making it perfectly clear that he meant his previous statement. "For fucks sake, Spock, stop teasing."

Spock's eyes glitter. "Vulcans do not tease."

"My ass," Jim huffs, rolling his eyes.

"Would be otherwise occupied if you had enough self control to remain still,” Spock counters, ignoring Jim’s sputtering in favor of stripping his pants the rest of the way off. He shivers, half at the cold air and half at the ghosting feeling of fingers running over his legs and sides.

“There’s lube and condoms in the bottom drawer of the stand,” he says, and is surprised to hear how gravelly his voice sounds already. He doesn’t have time to be embarrassed about that before Spock’s mouth is back on his, tongue sliding against the inside of his cheek. The kisses eventually move along Jim’s jaw and then down to his neck, where Spock finally pauses.

“Patience is a virtue, Jim.”

Jim pulls himself off the bed, forcing Spock to back up onto his knees, and he’s gratified at the look of surprise he catches before he’s tugging his shirt up and over his head. Without preamble, he reaches to pull Spock’s clothes off as well, gladly accepting help when it's offered.

When they're both fully undressed, he pulls Spock back down and grinds up into him. He's momentarily flooded with intense arousal, affection, and adoration, and his breath hitches. It's gone nearly as quickly as it came. Smiling, he cups Spock's face gently. "It's okay. You can let down the walls." Spock looks unconvinced, so he adds, "I want you to."

The emotions stream in slower this time, Spock still blocking him at least partially. Jim smiles again and rakes a hand down Spock's chest, wondering idly what his own thoughts feel like. His fingers stop between Spock's legs and wrap around the green-veined cock. He gives an experimental tug, pleased when he feels the barrier between them slip slightly. Spock growls and leans off the bed to grab for the stand drawer. After the condom is on, he pours a generous amount of lube onto his fingers, puts an arm under one of Jim's knees, and pulls him closer. Jim makes an effort to relax as he feels a finger circle his sphincter muscles. He trembles. He's waited too long for this.

"God, fuck, hurry up."

Spock inclines his head, but does as he's told. Soon after one finger is in, there's two, then three, and Jim is making small keening noises and arching off the bed. A thought crosses his mind and he laughs, startling Spock enough that his rhythm stutters.  "Is something amusing?" he asks, curling his knuckles and making Jim moan. He's positively smug with himself for it.

"I just figured you'd find this sort of thing dirty and, y'know, illogical."

Spock removes his fingers and hooks his arm under Jim's other leg. He bends down and kisses the inside of Jim's thigh, then bites it lightly. "I have found that any logic, but mine especially, rarely holds up against James T. Kirk."

Jim laughs again and reaches a hand down to card it through Spock's hair. "I love you," he says, and he should feel scared, or panicked, or some other awful feeling, but he just feels content. Spock doesn't have to say it back. He’d basically said so earlier, and Jim can feel it in any case, and that’s all he needs.

Spock rises and guides the head of his cock to the entrance of Jim's ass. He takes his time, smoothing his hands over Jim’s calves, hips, chest, until he's all the way in. When Jim feels comfortable enough, he starts to move, sending a clear signal for Spock to do the same. The Vulcan obliges and the room is quickly filled with the sound of heavy breathing and skin hitting skin. Jim reaches down to slide his fingers between Spock’s and gasps with him as the last bit of barrier between them crumbles. He knows how sensitive Vulcan's hands are and he scrapes his nails down Spock’s palm.

Smiling mischievously, he pulls their hands to his mouth. Spock watches intently, pupils wide with lust, and moans when Jim begins to suck on their twined fingers. His free hand wraps around the pink cock resting against Jim’s stomach and he smooths the pre-cum down the shaft. Jim bites his index finger at the action and then smiles when Spock shudders. The tempo they’d set is becoming slightly erratic and Jim covers Spock’s hand on his dick and sets a quick pace. Spock leans into him, kissing the corner of his mouth, and he’s pretty sure he feels more intoxicated now than he ever did drinking. It doesn’t take long after that before Spock’s rhythm falters and he climaxes, Jim following closely. 

They lie there for a while before Spock pulls out and removes the condom, throwing it into the waste basket by the bed. He lies down on his back and Jim turns into his side and bites his shoulder playfully. “I know cuddling is probably not your thing-” Jim starts to say, but is cut off when Spock slides an arm under him and pulls him close. 

*****

The first thought that occurs to Jim when he wakes up is that he really wants to go back to sleep. The second is that there is a hand sticking out from under his torso. He blinks at it in the dimly lit room, then rubs at his eyes. It takes a few seconds for his brain to wake up before the previous night comes flooding in. He smiles and reaches for the hand, startling when it wraps around his fingers. “Good morning, Mr. Spock.”

“Good morning, Jim. I trust you slept well.”

He doesn't answer, instead closing his eyes and contenting himself to lie in silence. He breaks it minutes later. “Why did you avoid me?” It isn’t exactly an explicit question, but he knows Spock will understand it.

“I was under the erroneous impression that you had ascertained my feelings toward you and neither returned nor welcomed them.”

The answer floors him. He turns over, mouth slightly gaping. “Why would you think that?”

Spock looks at him from the corner of his eye. “You too avoided me after the termination of my and Nyota’s romantic relationship.”

“You started it,” Jim says petulantly. “I thought you wanted space.”

“Indeed. I required time to meditate on my... revelation.” When Jim just stares, obviously waiting for him to continue, he adds, “The revelation being that my feelings for you exceeded that of mere friendship.

The pieces fall into place in Jim’s head with a mental click. “You broke up with _Uhura_ over _me_?”

Spock’s expression remains neutral, but his arm squeezes Jim possessively. “I do not know which to address first: that your question implies it is surprising to you that I did not continue my relationship with Nyota despite the realization of my true feelings, or that you seem to not think yourself desirable enough for someone to covet a relationship with you over one with your lieutenant.”

Jim weaves his fingers between Spock’s on his hip and projects his feelings as hard as he can: reverence, amusement, lust, warmth, _lovelovelove_. Spock’s eyes soften and Jim bites his lip before leaning up to kiss him, closed lipped and soft. And... it's at that moment that Bones thinks it's a great time to walk into his room unannounced. His bitching dies on his lips as he stutters to a halt three steps into the room. Jim pulls back from Spock, who's raising an eyebrow in Bones’ direction.

“Doctor Mccoy,” he greets

Jim laughs as Bones’ sputters, says something that sounds an awful lot like, “‘Bout damn time,” and walks back out of the room.

 _Yeah_ , he thinks, glancing back over at the Vulcan beside him, _about damn time_.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments give me life.  
> This was my first attempt at smut so sorry if it's sub-par.  
> Feel free to send me prompts at vulcandor.tumblr.com


End file.
